24 October, 2015

A change is as good as a rest

But sometimes you just need an almighty rest, right? A proper pyjama wearing, sun bathing, tea drinking, cake eating, adventure going, Netflix watching, phone ignoring, cocktail sipping break. Not just a day to yourself, or a weekend away, but a full on sabbatical from life.

I can say with some (a lot of) certainty that I have never before needed a break like I need one now. My mind and soul have been working overtime for far too long, and my body is breaking down from the exhaustion of this year. I have ulcers (sexy), I am permanently fatigued, my mind is so far into over-drive, a missed bus makes me feel like weeping, and the weekends? They don’t even touch the sides. My resilience is at an all-time low, and all that can save me is some sunshine, and distance.

Sometimes we go through big change - break-ups, house moves, professional shifts. Sometimes they ALL HAPPEN AT ONCE. However positive these changes are, it's exhausting. That’s been my experience of this year, and it’s been relentless. There's the consequences of the big changes as well. You don't get an earthquake without ensuing tremors and, for me, The Break Up (the catalyst for most of it) prompted some big shifts in my other relationships too. Although I am now closer than ever to some of my circle, for other relationships it’s provoked a slight disbandment. No-one likes to see you change, to climb out of your box, to break-through into new territory that they don’t understand or relate to. So inevitably, despite a new found happiness and freedom, this year has been an emotional obstacle course for me, and I am tired.

This is the year I also chose to take little to no time off from work. Woe is me? Not really. I have saved up all that time to go somewhere I have always wanted to go. A holiday I would never have had the chance to do in my previous life. In a total cliché, I broke up with someone and immediately booked myself on a flight to Thailand, with an 8 month delay. Apparently planned spontaneity is my thing. 

My good friend and I both went through our Big Break Ups at the start of the year, and it worked out ideally when we turned to each other and said “LETS GO.” Since the day we booked that holiday, we’ve between the two of us experienced every stress under the sun. And I haven’t even seen the bloody sun. It’s been an absolute marathon, and whilst it’s done me good to just keep moving, I have so little left in reserve. BUT, finally, two weeks today my pal and I are going away for that adventure, and I couldn’t need it more. The emphasis is not on needing the exotic trip – that is just the cherry on the timeout that I am ultimately craving.

This year has been everything. It’s been stressful, it’s been liberating, it’s been heartbreaking, it’s been gruelling, it’s been fun, it’s been exhausting, it’s been challenging, it’s been hopeful, it’s been unexpected, it’s been unpredictable, it’s been rewarding, it’s been pivotal, it’s been an education. It’s been mine. It’s been long. It’s not over.

The period of turbulence isn’t over either, I know that. I won’t waltz into 2016 worry-free, I know that too (I'd be more likely to fox-trot). It is going to come with even more change, but they are changes I am excited about, that I am expecting, that I know will feed my soul. Meanwhile, for me and 2015 a lot of the hard work is done. I can jump on that plane in two weeks, soak up some sunshine and adventure, and end this year strong, fighting, and hopeful. I will come back with returned resilience, absolutely no tan, and hopefully a few less ailments.


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