26 September, 2015

The 7 types of weekend twenty-something girls have

1. Going OUT OUT

In increasingly short supply, these weekends are also more and more meaningful. These are the 3-dayers you have blocked out in your diary months in advance, with scribbles like “REUNI-ON” “COCKTAILS” and “UPTOWN FUNKATHON WITH DEM GIRLS.” They used to be two-a-penny – hell there was a time we were stereotyping ourselves with bottles of pink Lambrini every Friday night – but now, you’re lucky if you get to paint the town but once a month.

What now lacks in quantity is more than made up for in laughing, dancing, wine, talkingveryveryfast, endless tales of triumphs and troubles, getting ready together, group selfies, “outfit” shots, comparing hip flasks (I said flasks, we may be old but we mainly still have our own joints) and just basically remembering that you, as a group, rule the freaking world.

2. Food, box-sets and Instagramming your new pyjamas

These lifelines are also planned weeks ahead. Your next weekend where you have NOTHING TO DO. What was once a terrifying concept is now the most hankered after weekend on the High Street. Provided you have a decent box-set, some kind of deep-fried cheese meal, a world of snacks and a new pair of hipster pyjamas, you are ready to roll.

You get home that Friday, immediately put on pyjamas, tweet your joy for all to envy and bunker down until Sunday afternoon. And you feel no guilt, because you work 50 hours a week, you do your daily exercise and you eat your greens. And YOU – you earned this, dammit. Just keep your charger handy because the amount of Facebook stalking and re-tweeting you do this weekend is likely to escalate.

3. Regressing to childhood

Sometimes, life gets too much. There are times when we need to put down the laptop, step away from the unpaid bills and shopping lists, and hurry home to our parents. The aim of these weekends is to forget you ever graduated from school. You will definitely argue with a sibling, eat constantly and directly out of the fridge, stomp around in your pyjamas and roll your eyes when you have to, like, sit up at the table for dinner.

You’ll then cry your eyes out when you have to go back to the big bad world, just like on your first day of school.

Good for the soul, though.

4. Doing fun things that don’t involve drinking and make you feel really grown-up and together

Straight out of Cara Delevigne’s Filofax, these will start with an actual casual drink. You know how every now and then you go for “one” and then actually have “one” and feel like a complete hero the next day?

Said weekend thereafter will be full of haircuts, coffee dates, afternoon teas, cinema trips, spa afternoons, “catch-ups”, dinner parties and maybe even a baby shower. In the aftermath, you’ll bask in the glory of being a social butterfly, and congratulate yourself endlessly for achieving fun without rum.

5. The one that escalates

There is no getting around it, this one leaves you with a sense of nothing but absolute devastation until you reach the following Friday.

What was meant to be one casual glass of wine after work has this time left you bankrupt, drowning in your own toxins and with no recollection of the moves you made on the dance floor and, if you’re lucky, one of your colleagues. Not only that, you slept through your Saturday plans and felt too rough to face that Sunday roast.

What emerges on Monday morning is a shell-shocked, guilt-ridden, train-wreck of a soul who needs several strong coffees and regular Whatsapp pep-talks from the mates you took down with you. #MondayMotivation can p*ss right off.

6. Productive and proud

Usually taking place not long after the above, we go into full redemption mode and challenge ourselves to a “good” weekend. It’s purely a conscious-clearing exercise, we know this. 

We buy vegetables from a green-grocers. We cook everything from scratch. We hang sheets on the line and feel like we’re going to bed with angels when we get between those Lenor covers. We catch up on our correspondence and smugly send a Whatsapp list of all productive tasks we have achieved to all friends who’ll pretend to care. We feel smug, rested and pure.

And then, come Monday, when someone asks how our weekend was we ignore them because they would judge us for being so bloody boring.

7. Wedding belles

If your twenties are your best years so far, it is mainly because of all of the weddings. We thought life wouldn’t get any better than all those 21st birthdays we attended, but oh how it does.

You turn up in the chic as hell outfit you have had planned for months, sunglasses in tow. You pose at the pre-bar with all your mates like ONE OF US IS GETTING MARRIED. You cry your eyes out during the ceremony like I CANNOT BELIEVE ONE OF US IS GETTING MARRIED. You do social media updates all day long #bridenamegroomnamewedding. You are free and easy with the bride and heart emojis. You cane your way through free champagne and you eat Every. Single. Dish. Provided. You dance all night long with the people you love the very most. You weep at the beauty of it all. You run off with a wheel of cheese from the midnight buffet. 

You wake up in face down in a tangle of bacon roll, wedding favours and Kirby grips.

Move over Christmas, we found a new favourite.

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