1. I am going to have the mother of 30th birthdays. Everyone I have ever known will be there. I will wear a crown and drink Cristal all day long. For the whole week. A month. Sod it, let’s just start now.
2. I was already two when my mother was my age. Just going to let that sink in.
3. I am not doing ANYTHING for my 30th birthday and the only people invited are Oreos and Homeland. I might Insta it.
4. Must chop off hair now that I am of age. And maybe lose the highlighted bangs. P.S. Scrub off that temporary Take That Forever tattoo.
5. Screw that. I AM RHIANNA. Pass me the pink hair dye and me bell-bottoms.
6. Should I have been to more places by now? *books flights to exotic country*
7. It is still ages until I can retire.
8. MORE hair???
9. Candles! Shelves! Tupperware! Oh my! Let me take a #shelfie.
10. ALL my friends are settled down. What’s wrong with me?
11. ALL my friends are out having loads of fun. What’s wrong with me?
12. I resent scrolling this far back to find my birth year. They should make it easier for old people, not harder.
13. THERE IS SO MUCH FUN TO DO. *Pushes life plan back by ten years*
14. The youth may have hi-jacked Instagram, but I invented Facebook.
15. Got ID’d in a supermarket. I am youthful and radiant. Need to tweet this immediately so that everyone knows I am youthful and radiant.
16. Anna Kendrick is also 29 and is Working. It. It’s all okay.
17. Anna Kendrick is also 29, and made world fame and mega-bucks. I’m still maxing out my over-draft and heating one room at a time. This is not okay.
18. “Mortgage”? I thought you said “spend all your disposable income in Topshop you absolute baller.”
19. I love my Topshop wardrobe. And my Kenwood Mixer. I am so conflicted right now.
20. I am bossing it. Look at me go. Career woman, supporting myself, getting regular waxes, occasionally cleaning out my fridge. #BossBabe
21. Am I actually Bridget Jones right now?
22. I might miss all my clothes being from Primark and wearing £2 disposable shoes.
23. Should probably stop going out and getting really hammered and getting kicked out of taxis for smuggling McDonalds in and then crying. Sigh.
24. Wine is my boyfriend.
25. At least I don’t have to keep a Tamagotchi alive anymore.
26. Mind of a woman, body of a girl. Yeah, you better run!
27. Soon I will go and do my actual life in New York City. That must be due to happen soon.
28. I miss my painful, insecure, poor, dramatic, piss-drunk early twenties.
29. Gosh, would you just look at my fine selection of beautiful bed-sheets, Mac lipsticks and matching underwear. I am so Cosmo I can barely think straight.
30. When will the dinner parties start? I am ready to start swishing cognac.
Anything to add?