When all you want to do is sit back with a Yorkshire brew, navigating London is hard bloody work...Don't worry, Yorkshire, you are not alone.
1. “Wayyyy, look at me, I am in London. The big smoke. WHAT A LAD. London Selfie!” Life is just very exciting in the nation’s capital isn’t it?
2. “Who needs The Peaks when you’ve got SHINY BUILDINGS” *dreams of quitting job to become investment banker on the wharf*
3. On alighting the train at St Pancras:
“I am soooo stylish in my hipster tee and fedora, so edgy, so London.”
*Takes quick glance around*
“I am not stylish. I am not edgy. I am very, very bland.”
If you ever want to feel average, take the tube to Oxford Street on a Saturday. Or any day. You WILL be a wallflower.
4. “My mate lives in London. I’ll just check into my hotel in High Barnet and pop round the corner to their place in Wandsworth.” - Let us know how you get on with that.
5. “Do I need to push the button?” – Oh the hours we have spent looking like fools on the Circle Line. Any transport that is not the tram blows our minds.
6. “Oh no, oh god, that man has a BACKPACK! Who do I report this to?” - We can’t help it, we’re nervous travellers and we’re not used to all this commotion.
7. “I don't want Afternoon Tea thank you. I want Yorkshire Tea.” – God help the city that comes in the way of a Yorkshire man and a quality brew.
8. “Jesus wept I could have travelled to Blackpool and back in that time!” – The realisation that actually London is less city, more hemisphere.
9. “I’ll probably see Johnny Vaughn/the cast of Made in Chelsea/The Queen out on the tiles tonight.” - Naïve or hopeful?
10. “Where are all the decent pubs? Posh twat bar, posh twat bar, Café Nero, macaroon bar, Café Nero, another Diner…?” – Don’t look at me, I actually like posh twat bars.
11. Upon receiving £1.20 change from a tenner:
Authorities are aware that the cost of a London tipple is full theft and they have confirmed that no, they don’t care.
12. “Well, this is awkward” *stares into empty wallet*
13. “I miss gravy.”
14. “Can’t believe I have been here 3 hours and not seen anyone famous yet.” - Definitely naive.
15. “Why are you angry. What have I done. You’re pushing me now? Okay, I think we all just need to calm down!” – We consider it OBE worthy if we make it from Holborn to Bank not via death.
16. “Must keep moving must keep moving, walk and swipe walk and swipe walk and swipe.”
– When it’s taking all our energy not to get trampled under the barriers, the world is very much not our Oyster.
17. 1“What do you mean my travel-card expired yesterday? I thought this was ANNUAL.” – Won’t be so quick to tweet your outrage to Stagecoach now, will you!
18. “I want to go home”. I know, I know.