I am going to let you into a little secret. I have spent the
summer quite overwhelmingly unemployed. I could write you thousands and
thousands of heartfelt words about my experiences, so intense an experience it
has been, but that’s for another blogpost, which I did actually write a few weeks ago, when I was at the very pinnacle (or should I say pit) of my
despair.
You wouldn’t have known it, right? I know. As I explain in this post, I so desperately wanted
to channel my experience into my blog, not least because of the therapy it
would have given me, but I couldn’t do anything to jeopardise my chances of
securing a new role. So instead I wrote this post to myself, and saved it for a rainy day. Ironically, today it is
hammering it down outside. You might want to read about my experiences here before you read this as it explains
a lot about how I got to that point.
Today
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The wait before the excitement! |
Today I woke up knowing my life was about to change. I had
reached stage 3 of a rather rigorous interview process and had all but been
offered the job verbally. 48 hours ago I gave a presentation which I had spent
no less than 6 solid days working on and the waiting since then has been
unbearable. I haven’t slept properly, I couldn’t stomach much food and it was
all I could do not to check my phone and my emails every 60 seconds. That’s how
bad I wanted it, and that’s how much pressure has built up in my system over
this past 6 months.
Being unemployed this summer has been the most soul destroying
experience of my life. Why had my career been so difficult? Why didn’t anyone
want me? What was I missing? It was so hard putting energy into job applications
(circa 100), interviews (circa 20), and presentations (7 in total) when I didn’t
know what it would lead to and when my confidence was so low. It was so hard
feeling so isolated from the world every day, never being able to properly
rest, not being able to make plans or look forward to anything because ‘we don’t
know what’s going to happen’, trying to be strong and brave for Gareth and him
trying to be strong and brave for me. But
throughout it all I held onto what I knew deep deep deep down – that the
universe had other plans for me. It really is written in the stars, that’s
something I learnt a long time ago and it helped me through these past few
months.
What I do know is the timing of my unemployment was
destined. I think the world knew I was due a break of some sort, in my 5 years
of working I have barely had more than a week off at a time and in the past few
years I haven’t had a proper holiday. I can’t call these past few months a ‘holiday’
but it was a break from the treadmill. I am so fortunate because had this
happened 2 years ago i would have had to pack up my entire life in Sheffield
and start again somewhere. But now i had my supportive partner and am so so
fortunate that I was able to remain unemployed for nearly 2 months and not have
to give up much but my spending money.
My advice to anyone who finds themselves in this situation
for no good reason, who like me does everything right but still finds nothing
is working out – my advice to you is BELIEVE that something right is around the
corner, and it may be even better than you dared dream. My other bit of advice
is make the best of it – yes, I have found it devastatingly tough being
unemployed, standing in line to sign on and feeling as though I had lost my ‘place’
in the system. But I can’t be accused of not making the very best of it. Every day
I got up at 6 or 7am, I did something positive and productive, I stuck to a
routine, I took a break to go see my family and his family, I exercised a lot,
I made lots of mini social plans like meeting people for coffee, I went for
walks to clear my head and keep things in perspective, I set up on my own and
freelanced – a project I will be forever grateful for as it has given me so
much confidence in my professional abilities. I focused on little projects and
doing nice things for other people. Yes I cried, but not that much considering
how I felt inside and considering that I am a huge cryer!
I can hand on heart say I am so proud of how I have dealt
with what’s been the most soul destroying 6 months of my life, I am so proud of
my own strength that I want to shout it from the rooftops. Hannah a few years ago
would not have had the same grace, positivity or certainty that it would be
okay. I also know I am one of the lucky ones, not only in that my unemployment
has been relatively brief, but in that I had the exact support network I needed
to get me through. I have never had any doubt about how god damn lucky I am
where Gareth, my friends and my family are concerned, but man they have
excelled themselves during this. So this post more than anything is a big fat thank
you to all of them.
Whether you picked up the tab, answered my desperate call on
a bleak Wednesday, messaged me from the other side of the world to give me a
confidence boost, wiped my tears when I’d had one too many lemon cellos and the
despair came flooding out, reassured me whilst I cried in the toilets at work, or just listened to me, told me it was shit, but that you still believed in me.
Your belief fed into mine and got me to this point. Thank you so so so much to all of you who played such a big part in keeping me a float. I owe a few drinks to
say the least! And not to mention, as always, my Gareth. He has been nothing
short of a hero. Even with me ALWAYS being in the house, taking up all the
space, making a desk for myself in the dining room day in day out, hogging his
laptop when mine died in my last week of work (I know right), not having so
much time to clean the and the like (oops!) and having a few mood swings, he
has been nothing but incredible. And to say we have been living in each other’s
actual pockets for the past 7 weeks, we have barely even bickered! WHAT a team.
This morning my life did change, I received an absolutely
amazing job offer, I accepted and I just know this one was always meant to be. It’s
the role I have imagined myself in for a long, long time. Unlike other roles I have
accepted, here there is not a single misgiving, everything about it is right
for me and better.
The change I have been through in my career is really quite
something, you can’t accuse of me of having chosen an orthodox career path. But
this is the one I want to stick and do you know what? I wouldn’t change a
thing. I have learnt so much about myself (not all of it good, but I have
learnt from it), I have met some really very inspiring people, I have doubled my salary in 2 years and I feel like finally my hard work and heartfelt challenges
are paying off – I am nothing if not a fighter! The first thing I did when I
found out the good news (after bashing my shin on my bike whilst dancing around
the dining room) was put my wellies on and set out for a long walk, to feel the
real rain on my cheeks and make sure I wasn’t dreaming. And the next thing I
did was call everyone who I owed a huge thank you to, and then buy a load of
thank you cards.
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The first thing I did... |
Now I am going to unsubscribe from ALL the job sites (thank
GOD!), write my thank you cards, have a glass of wine tonight (my first in 4
weeks) and enjoy the next little while until I start work again, because for
the first time in a very long time I have TIME to spare and a job at the end of
it. And its mine.
Wish me luck..
x
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