13 June, 2013
Is anybody else quite happy but quite tired?
So things have been a little crazy lately, I am quickly learning that as soon as 'one thing' is sorted/out the way, 'another one' comes along to challenge us. I know this because I have achieved SO MUCH in the last few years and met so many milestones I at one point thought I never would. But even with those milestones safely under my belt - a good salary, love, a convenient job, a happy home, a car -life is still turbulent.
The danger of 'i'll be happy when' is that at some stage you learn that even when 'when' happens, life will still challenge you. That's why even the Beckhams get stressed (what more is there for those guys to achieve, seriously?!), that's why I still cry even though my world has never been brighter, and that's why someone with nothing can be happier than everyone with everything.
Life is life, whoever you are, whatever your circumstance, and it will bite you sometimes. It's what keeps things interesting and we all know how bored we would be if things were always the same, day in, day out. But sometimes, just sometimes, don't you think how lovely it would be to just be settled, ride along at a steady pace for a few months, maybe even a year. No big dramas, no big upheavals and no major life changes. Perhaps I would have the time to plan big adventures and spend lots and lots of time with my loved ones - time that I only dream of now, telling myself 'when this is sorted' or 'once that's over'. I don't remember the last episode of time I had where something didn't change drastically, sapping huge chunks of my time and emotion. In the past few years I have had 3 job changes and 3 houses, had some big shifts in my social circle (good, healthy ones) and generally changed my whole attitude to my own life and how much responsibility I take for it. I am tired now. But you know what *yawns* I am really, really getting somewhere.
And more than that I am becoming more and more okay, as well as learning not to wish my life away to the bit beyond the next hurdle. While I am still prone to 'i'll be okay when' moments, actually all these big changes and upheavals that felt horrible at the time, have been nothing but good, cleansing, strengthening, even though I didn't want them at ALL. I also know that deep down I can say I am happy - when I first started this blog I probably couldn't have said that, not without lying anyway. I may not always be content, I think content implies an element of peace and I've not found total peace (has anyone?!) but that positivity that is born out of difficult changes - I hold onto that and use it for fuel when my personal admin list (which I thought I had cleared in 2012) suddenly gets drenched with a few major life obstacles. Sigh. Someone pass me another brew.