27 May, 2013

'If it's not alright, it's not the end' x

I haven't blogged in ages. I just haven't had the headspace. Sometimes when life is crazy, something has to take a backseat and unfortunately the things we sacrifice tend to be the things we love the most - for me that is my writing and this blog. I sort of have a hierarchy of activities that my life revolves around and it goes a little something like this: work because we have to, exercise because it enhances all other areas of my life, relationships - including family and friends, baking because it relaxes me and writing because that's what I was born to do. It's a difficult thing to accept that for most of us the thing we love the most is the thing that has to come last, but when work is good, I have time/health to exercise and my relationships are steady I bake and write like tomorrow may never come. I live for those days.

Recently my professional life has been uncertain and stressful, I haven't been able to exercise due to ongoing stress-related ailments, I have had a world of disappointments and so much has gone on in my personal life that it's all I can do at the end of the day to have a hot bath, try to stay calm and wake up the next day ready to give it my all. I am going through one of those waves they say you have to ride out - resist, and you'll go under. I am trying really hard to stay focused on the future, when all this madness will be over and I can have my life back again. It's hard to do, when in the back of your mind there is a constant nagging, a constant fear and a constant feeling of insecurity when you look ahead and you just see question marks.

I have been through such waves before though and one thing I know this time is, it will all be okay. Not because I am overly confident, but because this time there's one thing I know I will always have - and that is my sense of self, a strong mind and an even stronger heart. I feel things deeply and get knocked down easily, but I am resilient to the last and when I bounce back MAN do I bounce!

Over the last year or so I have been incredibly lucky and life has really helped me out in ways it hadn't for a long time. I have not taken a single day for granted, because I have been so aware of my own fortune and even more aware of how easily it could all fall away. Because of that I don't resent this tricky period as such, I have been through far worse ones to say the least, it's just that this one is intense because it's one of those EVERYTHING AT ONCE scenarios that we all love so much...

I had been feeling all sorry for myself and fed up when I happened to watch a film at my boyfriend's parents which was about a group of people visiting India and their different approaches and abilities to be 'happy'. The underlying sentiment seemed to be about trying to enjoy each day and go with the flow, embrace the surprises life brings and more importantly deal with disappointment with grace. I know that as a person I can easily forget to do that when I get stuck in my own head and sometimes I need reminding. I am a big believer in fate and I think I watched that film for a reason - there was a message in there for me. So life's been a bit stressful for a bit, really I have got so much to be thankful for and at the end of the day 'we get up in the morning and we do our best and nothing else matters.'

I have always had to go through a difficult time in my life to get a really good one, so I'm just moving forwards, trying to enjoy each day as it comes (when I'm not a ball of stress/crying/having a tantrum) and to avoid panicking and I am SO looking forward to my pot of Gold at the end of this colourful time.


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