13 February, 2013

Moving In: Going to Live with a Booooyyyyy!

You know those lovely and long dead-to-the-world sleeps you get when you go back to the place you call Home? They're incredible, but like a lot of people I only get them at my childhood home. When you go there, you are a child again. You don't need to try or worry or go to your big job or do very much that's hard. For me, it's my haven and there I sleep, switch off, eat and usually get ill. When I visited home just recently, it was all the more pertinent because very soon I'm moving into my first proper home away from home - not into a house with god knows who, but into a home with the one I love. Muuuuum, I'm growing up!

I lied when I said I only have deep sleeps at my Mum's, I also have them in the attic room of my boyfriend's house - black-out blinds, safe and protected, tucked away, up high in his castle. Soon that will be my new haven.

Moving In is one of those big moments you imagine before it happens and you think when it does the world will stop and applaud you, throwing good luck confetti at you feet while trumpets salute you and people coo 'isn't she grown up?!' - somehow in those daydreams, I have always been 4 years old, wearing my Mother's too-big shoes. Now it's happening, I am in fact 26 and actually life's just carrying on as normal, it's just going to be better. It is the start of a big adventure though and while I prepare for what's next, the last chapter of my life quietly closes behind me. Me and that last chapter have been through so much together. We've got in to all sorts of trouble, had all sorts of highs and now it's coming to an end, but all of the experiences I've had have shown me what I don't want, what I do need, growed me the hell up and made me so much stronger than the person I was when I first packed up my Dad's car and waved goodbye to my Mum's house aged 18, with no idea of what Sheffield was going to throw at me or that I'd even end up staying.

Sitting in my childhood bedroom recently, I was very aware that life is going to change. I feel ecstatic happiness that I am going to be waking up every day with the person I love and a real confidence in our future, mixed with a sadness at the era of my life I am saying goodbye to. There's always a child-like fear of the unknown whenever you step into something big and new, but I've learnt so much in the past few years and I am confident now of what makes me tick, what works for me and more importantly I trust that the person I am about to move in with knows and understands those things too.

Us people are complicated messes, so it's important to be both understanding and proactive around each others needs when you move in with someone, and more importantly communicate them. Ignore a niggle and that niggle could be what causes 2 people to wave goodbye to each other a few years down the line. He knows I need a space called mine, we've already ear-marked my baking cupboard, that gorgeous attic room will be my 'playroom' (no, not so much sex swings as a pretty dressing table, a desk where I can write and polka dots on the walls) and I helped him choose our new kitchen (I know right, talk about your good timing)! I won't take away his side of the sofa, Sky Sports is staying and he'll have his space as much as I'll have mine - anything to make this next phase of both our lives as happy as it can be.

I've always been slightly nervous when taking a big step, but this time I am more confident than ever because through all my experiences I have kind of learnt how to be happy, pretty much anywhere, regardless of external things. Beyond that, I've got someone holding my hand again. When I first moved into my current house nearly two years ago to the day, that wasn't quite the case and no-one held my hand, but I was on the verge of growing up - I was on the cusp of changing. I could feel it and even my Mum said so; 'something's coming for you Han' and it did. I took a job that pulled me up short and from which I made a sharp exit a mere 11 months later. That experience was horrendous for me, but man did I grow up. I met a boy. No, I met a man and we have both learnt what an adult relationship is and I think we do pretty well at it. I didn't become Mrs Mark Ruffalo as predicted 2 years ago, but very nearly. I solidified my then newly rediscovered passions for running, baking and writing - all the things that make me 'Me' - and they chiseled me into not so much of a child anymore.

I'm reluctant to say that I am all 'grown-up' as I still have a way to go and really we continue to grow for the rest of our lives, but the person I am today compared with the person I was 2 years ago? Many wouldn't recognise me or rather the self-respecting person I have become and I owe a massive thank you to all those difficult times that came before for bringing me here. I know more shit will come my way, because that's life but now I know I'll not only get through it, I'll actually learn from it. No matter what happens long-term I am me and all that I bring to the table. I am so proud of me now, and if you are proud and confident of the person you are then where life actually takes you doesn't really matter and you'll be okay even when no-one's holding your hand.

So I got myself a new grown-up (kinda) key-ring to match my new grown-up (kinda) life and in a moment not far from now I will walk through a front door and jump into that new life. One small step for Han, one giant leap for Hankind (sorry). I will unlock a door into a life that will throw so much at me - good and tough - that in a few years time I will write a blog post about what I've learnt. As petrified as I am, I can't wait.

Wish me luck everyone, I'm going to live with a boyyyyyyy.


1 comment:

  1. *Throws confetti* *blows trumpet* *applauds* I am SO proud of you too, not just for another fantastic blog post but the way you welcome us into your world. One small step for Han... pahaha :)


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